04.30.05
Posted in at 1:11 am by queent
Love can sometimes be an emotion in which you can overindulge. Anyone that knows me, knows this to be true about my personality. My love for music is no exception. Music is ingrained in my mind, body and soul. I cannot function without it and I cannot deny it. I can’t work, I can read, I can’t “just be” without music in the background somewhere.
The music however, sometimes instead of being a represenation of my feelings, sometime take on a mind of its own and consumes me. I have found myself somedays being dragged down into a deeper depression by playing music that heightens my senses; taking my depression level from a 4 to 7. Me’Shell Ndgeocello has an eery abilty to affect me that way. She makes me want to free my heart and let my soul fly and convince that person that I just know should not stay to stay just once more. That certainly cannot be deemed healthy. Though it feels good to listen and get lost and know that those words describe to a “T”and of what I am feeling and that I am not alone, at the same time, they are preventing me from escaping the hole I chose to climb into. Fortunately, my love for music has also saved me from sadness and anger. Jill Scott’s positivity is infectious to my soul and she has climbed in to my mind, heart and soul on many a day and left me feeling that one isnt such a bad number and that I truely am golden.
My living and loving of music will never end, but I am now aware of how my love sometimes consumes me and takes me to a place I don’t need to be. Learning and growing everyday.
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04.29.05
Posted in at 11:50 pm by queent
The question remains: “Why do men have the idea that women need to be “protected” from the complete, unfiltered truth?” What filter do men have on thier eyes that show a “Fragile: Handle with care” sticker on us? I mean really. Women carry and birth children, endure menstrual cycles, and demonstrate countless other strengths. What in the hell makes men think we can not handle your truth.
We heat the same ole bullshit, day in and day out. Humor us why don’t you. Give us a change of pace. You want to start your own business and we have to support the family for sometime, we can handle that. Dont lie. You want to leave to be with your ex-girlfriend/wife/boyfriend or whatever. We will not die. You may like to think life revoles around you…but it doesn’t. Not to the extent that we can’t handle hearing the truth. I’m going to put it realy simple and plain: Full Disclosure. We need it, we appreciate it, and most importantly, we respect you for it. We don’t want half the stoy.
Trust me when I say, it is the other half of it that you are trying to “protect” us from, that is going to come back and bite you in the ass and turn a 2 alarm fire in to a 4 alarm. And in the end, you don’t save us from being hurt…you only prolong it and deepen it. Put yourself in our shoes. “Honey, I have to confess, I had an affair” she says. He breaks down, cries, and they eventually move on and heal. Six months later, he finds out whom she had an affair with was none other than his best friend. He now has to relive this pain and more because of the added knowledge of the deception and disloyalty by not one loved one but 2. Oh but, ya’ll would be quick to point the finger and want to walk out the door and shit. Think about that the next time you want to “protect us”.
That Fragile sticker washed off with the rain of our tears many, many years ago. We are a lot stronger than you think…give us the respect of the complete truth, the opportunity of feeling what we feel, and making our own choices and learnign our own lessons accordingly. More than likely, you will be surprised with the results.
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04.28.05
Posted in at 10:47 pm by queent
Home sweet home. For some anyway…lol Home has declined drastically since I was little. But still there are things that only home can provide. Allow me to share my home with you.
http://www.blogthings.com/rochester.html
***Thanks Monroe…love ya***
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Posted in at 3:42 pm by queent
In the Queens Fantasyland, people don’t like to get what they want, they don’t try to woo you with words and not follow through, they don’t hide behind comuter screens,and they catch the hint.
The cutie is a damn idiot. If you can’t keep your word with me, you are cut off. At least from a dating stand point. And considering his first major standup was on my birthday…he’d already shot him self in the knees. Despite that I gave him 2 other chances and each time he was a no show on different levels. So, I told him not to call me, and I told him exactly why. I didn’t chicken out like I used to and just not return his calls trying not to nice and not hurt his feelings. WHY does he still call me??? If I don’t return your voicemails, what do you think that means??? You don’t let a few weeks go by and try again! I’m not gonna call you. Stupid…crawl back into your hole where all the lil airheads think you are the shit cause you are a pretty boy and let you do whatever u want cause you are pretty….moving on…
The ultimate liar is still a damn liar…lol OK, he got me once. Came back around a year or so later with a long voicemail apologizing for the deceit and the “I miss you”s and “I didn’t appreciate you”s and the “Lets try to be friends again”. Aight, it sounded sincere. One dinner later and he’s back to the same lies and drama. And of course I went back to giving him my voicemail and unreturned text messages. Well guess whose back, with the same ole tired lines. Let me state it…once I write you off, you are written off, you can say and do and cry and plead as you please. If you don’t appreciate all that I am to you when I give it to you…your loss. The money is nothing to be…its written off too.
I pray for you simpletons.
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04.26.05
Posted in at 8:52 pm by queent
From Merriam-Websters Online Dictonary:
Main Entry: ad·vise
Pronunciation: &d-’vIz
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): ad·vised; ad·vis·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French aviser, from avistransitive senses
1 a : to give advice to : COUNSEL
b : CAUTION, WARN
c : RECOMMEND
2 : to give information or notice to : INFORM intransitive senses
1 : to give advice
2 : to take counsel : CONSULT- ad·vis·er also ad·vi·sor /-’vI-z&r/ noun
Please note the underlined areas. This is what I expected of my school advisor while taking classes. Knowing my requirements to graduate is her job. Informing me of what is and is not available during the upcoming semester is her job. Reading the emails I send her, being that that is her preferred method of communication woul b e an integral part of her job as well. Yet somehow, my “advisor” failed to inform me that the Earth Science course I need to graduate is NOT available in the summer. Does anyone rememeber when I am supposed to be done with class? I only talk about it how often? I only sacrificed the past 2 months, with the intentions on sacrificing the next 3 because I am supposed to graduate when? In the damn SUMMER! Not in the Fall when the Earth Science course will be available!
So after thanking God that I only visit home now and dont live there because I truely would have been under the damn jail for killing her for messing up my whole life…I found two courses at GSU to replace the sciences and fill my last liberal arts requirement. Of course reaching the admissions department there is next to impossible. Which has given me time to think(uh oh ya’ll watch out I’m thinking)
I have sacrificed a lot this semester. Had many sleepless, homework filled nights and been unavailable to my loved ones. And the semester is not yet over. I haven’t been able to work on things I want to see grow and blossom. I have been physically and emotional drained. I haven’t been able to put my house together and I moved in February dammit. But more than any of that…I haven’t been able to spend time with my son. I underestimated the both of us when it comes to the sacrifice I made on that. Every weekend spent at his male parental units house; unable to spend any kind of quality time with him when we get home from work and school; one too many nights of chicken nuggets and french fries. Less hugs and kisses and more TV time. And my baby boy innocently saying in passing “Oh yeah, my Mommy has lots of homework to do too” and “Mommy’s always tired”. No, no, no, no! Enough. My completing my degree in one less semster is NOT worth my son seeing his mommy unavailable to him all the time.
I am doing pretty well in my classes. Right now I see 3 B’s and a C (guess which class is the C class…lol) I am satisfied with that. But I am going to take 2 classes in the summer and 2 in the fall. Two is not overwhelming…two is manageable…and two will not rob my son of his mommy. I love my baby more than anything…I have made greater sacrifices than this to give him the absolute best I ever could. I can sacrifice another 3 months to give my baby back his mommy.
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