06.27.05
Posted in at 9:32 am by queent
Most of the “I wonder about yous” from the interviews last week were that people didn’t know much about me and that they’re curious about me and why I am so “private”, for lack of a better expression. Whats funny is SizzledK’s comment that not only doesn’t she know me, but she’d rather know me from me, than from what she’s heard because people are gonna say what they want(I hope I didn’t sum that up inaccurately, K).
I don’t get it. Who’s talking and what are they saying? I’m not mad that K made that comment, in fact, I’m thankful that she did becuase I was pretty much in the dark. I think I had some ideas that people may have been talking, but I may have closed my mind to the idea of it up until this point. But umm, again, who is talking and whats being said? And even better why?
I’m reminded of the past incident in which I was Guilty by Association . I was accused of talking about someone behind their back. They had to have “heard” this from someone somewhere. It’s amusing that I am one of the quietest people, although it may not appear that way always; I really just run with a group of people and that could make it seem that I…hell, I don’t know what it looks like. I guess it looks like I am talking about people, or even more, gives people something to talk about.
I guess I am gossip worthy. Don’t know how, since I don’t do much, but ok, I’ll be that. Ya’ll talk, speculate, gossip, hate if ya really wanna. I’m amused and pretty much unfazed. Don’t know what ya’ll have to talk about, but I hope it’s really juicy. Oh wait, even better…somebody IM me or email and share it with me. I wanna gossip too.
Love hugs and kisses you all.
Forever QueenT
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06.25.05
Posted in at 10:31 pm by queent
Here’s an admission for you. Alcoholism runs deep on both sides of my family. My dad is recovered(congrats Daddy, I know you have an anniversary comnig up) and my uncle is as well, last I’d heard anyway. My mom…well I try to live in denial about my mom. But, two of my uncles on her side; one passed away still an alcoholic, the other has been clean for damn near 10 or fifteen years now. I won’t even go back and further than that, or stretch out wider into the family tree. I think you get the point.
With all this in my background, I have had a deathly fear of alcoholism all of my adulthood(i.e. post child years) I used to drink like a fish before he came along, but having a child makes you all responsible and stuff. What really fueled my fear however, was at a point during my marriage, where things were so bad I couldn’t sleep. I’d find myself up, lying in my bed, staring into space at 1, 2, sometimes 3:00 in the morning, and still have to get up at 6:00 to get myself and the boy ready for the day, drop him off at daycare and then go to work… to come home and do it all again. This went on for about three months. One night, I got up to get a drink of water, I looked in the cabinet and saw the bottle of Hennessy. And a thought formed. Hmmmm, if I drink a lil of this, I’ll be able to fall asleep, then I won’t be a walking zombie in the morning. So, I down a swig or two and get back in the bed. And the sleep came. But then the morning came too, and I was even more tired than if I hadn’t drank anything. The next night, I go with out a drink until about 2:00AM. Then I decide I need to sleep anyway I can get it. Off to the kitchen for another swig or two. Ahhh…sleep. This cycle went on for about two months. And I think I progressed each week, one or two swigs became a shot glass full, and then pouring a little bit in the bottom of a glass. Straigth uncut, no ice, no chaser. Drink, sleep, and miserable mornings. Thankfully, I realized the severity of what I was doing after about two months and I cut it out. No, I didn’t leave him(dummy me), but I went back to soberly not sleeping.
Just the fact that I got to that point of drinking myself to sleep scared me, badly. It made me realize that I am open to the idea of drinking away my pain. It was easier to take a drink and forget about what’s not right in life. And I knew from that point that as long as I lived on my own, I’d never keep alcohol in my home. And 95% of the time I don’t. Occasionally I’ll buy a 6-pack of Skyy Blue coolers and drink them over the course of two weeks. About 6 months ago I was given a bottle of vodka as a gift. I told myself I wasn’t going to open it. When I did finally open it, I drowned myself in it for 3 days straight. You never know what circumstaces will come along in your life. One that brought me the need to run and hide from a deep pain, found a home in that vodka bottle. So I work to resist the urge on bad days to stop at a store and buy a bottle of anything and instead just go home and ride the bad day out…find some other way to release that stress. Because I know how tempted I’d be just to drink that stress away. Knowing it would still be there when I wake up, and want to drink that away too.
Funny thing is, the biggest driving force keepign me from every becoming n alcoholic, is knowing that everythign in my life would compeltely fall apart. My son would end up with his father(umm, hell naw!!) I could lose my home, my job, my car, everything that I need to survive. The thought of not just losing all that, but recovering and having to totally rebuild the life that I personally destroyed, that just fuels me to NOT hit the package store, grocery store or even the corner store(what ya’ll know about that corner store…lol). I’ll go out and have a drink with someone if the day is that bad…thank heavens for Emergency Happy Hours. But alcohol in my house?!…unless I move in with someone, I’ll never keep it in my house. Why put that temptation in front of myself if I know how severely damaging the outcome could be?
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06.24.05
Posted in at 9:42 am by queent
The dating scene has been cold for me lately. Not really sure why. I’m starting to wonder if I’m giving off that “don’t even get the notion to look this way” vibe. Sometimes I do it without even realizing it…that usually is realized by some dude coming up to me and telling me to smile or something. Then I know I’ve been mean mugging all night…oooopss. I think I was on fire last night though and it really was amusing. Walked in the door and smack into the face of this dude I met at Insomnia about a month or two ago. We’d talked on the phone for a bit, around the time I was hella busy with the last few weeks of school. About three weeks past before I finally had time to go out with him, but by then his indecisiveness and constant sexual innuendos had gotten on my nerves. We made semi plans for a Saturday night, but his indecisiveness about what to do, what time to do it, so on and so forth mad me say “fuk it” and just not answer when he finally called at 9:00 after making tentative plans for 8:00. He called a number of times afterwards over the next week, cussing me out on my voicemail, and I was so amused I figured he wasn’t even worth me calling back to make up and excuse or tell him I’m not interested or anything(Note to the men: don’t be a b%tch and cuss a woman out on their voicemail) So, walking in I laugh and cringe, and decide to just be polite and give a head nod and keep it moving. He mean mugs me and I laugh even harder and I tell Twin whats up. Not 5 minutes late he’s in my face asking me what I looked at him like that, why I didn’t call, blah blah blah. Without giving away the little game I have, I’ll just say I said enough to spin the situation on him and convince him that it is his fault that I never returned his calls. Which technically is not a lie…lol And off he went after spitting some more BS at me. After my guy friend showed up, he, Twin and I hit the (insanely packed) dance floor. As I look out across the floor I see a very familiar face. Excusing myself, I work my way over to BabyFace. He and I have been friends for about two years though we don’t see each other that much. He goes to school in North Carolina so we only catch up when he’s home. I had to light into him for not calling me when he got home for the summer. Then I had to pick up my face when he told me he didn’t call because every time he called me when he was home on Spring Break, I didn’t return his calls. And he’s right…I was still in school and we all know how hectic that time was. Anyway, we kissed and made up (figuratively, of course) and I told I’d call him…and I will. That’s my sweetie pie. One of the few guys I know is my friend for who I am and not what I look like.
After a couple of songs, my guy friend, Twin and I decided to move away from the floor fro a little air. He led the way, with me behind him. Not three steps away, I run into a face that seems familiar, and is giving me a look like I should really know who they are. So I ask, and he reminds me that I met him at Insomnia(yeah that was a hot night as well, ’cause I met him the same night as the other one…lol). We exchange some words, ’cause I pretty much ignored his calls too. There is a reason I ignored most of the calls from the three guys I met that night…but if I admit why…lol, nevermind. Anyway, we exchange numbers again, because I actually did want to talk with him and see whats good. And again, I keep it moving.
The rest of the night was spent with me kicking it with my friend and Twin, who was getting her mack on in between conversation with various characters (and I do mean characters in the unflattering-ist way possible). All in all a very good night for HotPants and Diamond, especially on a weeknight outing. And now…its Friday and we’re on the loose again!!!
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Posted in at 8:09 am by queent
Keeping with my two week policy(see below), I won’t give a name to this person just yet, nor will I say much about them, but I will say this: someone has caught and held my interest. I’m curious to see if this person will make it the full two weeks. So far holding my attention on the phone is a good indication because I am sooo not a phone person. Holding it in person even more…he’s showing a lot of potential. I think I’m a little excited…lol
***Two week policy: a guy is usually not discussed in detail, nor is he given a name, until after being aronud for two weeks. This policy was developed out of two scenarios; one: most guys mess up before two weeks and since I meet so many that do, it became hard for my friends to keep up with who was “in” and who was “out” because they came and went so fast; two: making it damn near to two weeks showed they had a good amount of potential and I didn;t wantr to jinx want could be a good thing, so I didn’t call anyone by name until after they’d past two weeks.***
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Posted in at 7:47 am by queent
If you live near your best friend, and go out with them on a weekniight, and spend the night at their home, and leave at 5:30 in the morning to go home to get dressed for work still in your club attire, and think you need a cup of coffee from QT, don’t stop and get it. All heads will turn and stare at you as you walk in, fix your coffee, pay for it, and then leave. Very awkward that early in the morning…lol
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