She so young, and so sweet. She’s quick to make a joke and always laughing at something or nothing at all. Bubbly, funny, insanely intelligent, and the cutest little thing you’d see. But that’s what she wants you to see. Because on the inside she’s crying, fading to black, faster than anyone could ever imagine. She shows you what she wants you to see. She wants everything about her to look perfect. But its not. It hasn’t been for a long time now; almost never. One little girl, one little soul has seen and lived through so much in so few years. How can one little girl be so strong for so long? How can she be expected to find her way out of all that the world has thrown on top of her? She’s been buried alive for longer than she ever remembers. No one has really tried to help her. No one has opened their eyes, or their arms, or their hearts to her. And she knows this. It’s no wonder she finally broke. She just snapped. No warning, no explanation. Just shut down. The signs were their all along. In her own way she’s tried to reach out for help. But the words never came forward, not in a way that anyone else interpreted as a cry for help. They heard her voice, but the never heard the message. They couldn’t miss the message though when she stopped talking. No one was listening anyway, right? At least that’s how she sees it. So she stops talking, but she keeps cutting. All the while she was smiling and laughing, she was cutting. It kept the real pain at bay. It keeps her in her own reality, keeps her in control of the little she has control over. Even now, now that they have locked her away to ‘help her’, she’s still in control. She’s not cutting, but she not talking either.
I see so much in her. I saw a beautiful spirit in her from the moment I met her. I knew she was something special; I just didn’t know how much. I saw a lot of myself in her before I knew what I know now, and now that I know, I see even more of me. She reached out to me just a tiny bit not so long ago, and I grabbed her hand, not knowing at some point in the near future I would need to grab so much more than just her hand. She needed me to grab onto her, onto all of her to maybe, hopefully keep her afloat just one more day. Somehow, someway I reached her. Day by day, she told me a tiny bit and I told her a little bit. For some reason that is above my understanding she trusts me, she listens to me, and she knows I am listening to her. She won’t talk to me now; she still won’t talk to anyone at all. But she communicates with me and only me. We communicate all day, morning through night and she’s shared so much with me. She’s so torn; she wants to be better, but she doesn’t want to hurt anymore. And I can only pray I can help her find a middle ground because I’m the only one she trusts. There’s no way I could leave her. Not now and not like this. I don’t know when or how or what, but I no that she needs someone, if only one single person to stick by her side. No one else is listening to her, but I am. I just pray the day doesn’t come where there is nothing for me to listen to.
• The boy telling me he loves me more than a PSP on the flight up to NY
• Seeing all my fam on my father side in one place, and at one time; there were family members there that I hadn’t seen in over 10 years; the photos and memories alone will sustain me for another 10 years
• Our flight was on time, which was good since it was Thanksgiving afternoon
• Going out drinking with my cousin that I usually avoid because she’s the black sheep of the fam and always into something, and one of my closest friends from high school on her birthday
• Being able to just chill not having to care or really worry about anything more than having a good time; especially when someone else was buying
• Hanging out with both my brothers and their girlfriends
Bad
• The small jet that I was unaware we were taking, not quite a propeller but certainly not what my turbulence tolerance was prepared for
• The fact that my aunt could only stay for 12 hours, I hadn’t seen her in forever and man I had no idea how cool she is
• Daddy Cuevo struck again; yes I lost a few hours…lol
Ugly
• The bright yellow Cobalt I had as a rental that attracted more attention than I really wanted or needed
• Getting drunk and trying to stab a dude in the neck with my rental car keys because he wouldn’t leave me and my cousin alone
• Both my brothers have more stable relationships than I do; they each have been in the same relationship for almost a year now
• My child snoring in my ear like a grown man
I could be transferred over to another division with less than 18 months into the company, per company standards, but transferring out of that division without said 18 months is now against company policy. Time to start looking around.
***warning: lots of randomness*** I feel the need to check in since I rally haven’t said much lately. Mostly because all has been well in the Queendom. I’ve become the boy’s personal assistant the past few weeks, his social calendar is fuller than mine right about now! LOL I’m annoyed that my ankle is not getting better as fast as I’d like it to. The therapist has basically told me that my injury is as un-textbook as it gets and they aren’t sure what the best course of action is. They can’t decide at this point if its just ligament or possibly nerve damage because of the nature of what, where and how it hurts. In the mean time, twin’s party this past Saturday made me come to grips with the fact that I’m going to have to make the best of this flat shoe thing. I was in the mall last week and I saw some styles of both clothes and shoes that I can make work with me so I’m off this weekend to go work on putting together my ‘flat shoe style’. Stay tuned, I may post a pic…lol Work is trying to put me through some hoops as of the past week. Looks like they are trying to back me into a corner regarding this travel thing. Because of the switch up back in June/July its becoming a big todo about me not traveling now that I’m in consulting, which is not where I was initially hired. To not draw out the long, elaborate story of the past few days, I’ll just say that I have a few sit downs coming up over the next few days that will be defining moments. Once the ground settles, I’ll post the outcome. I had a bomb dropped on my by a family member a few days ago that I’m still reeling from. I can’t divulge it just yet because not everyone in the family has been informed and some of the fam does drivebys here. But I wasn’t prepared at all, just didn’t see it coming. But as the more understanding and accepting one in the fam, everyone else’s reaction to the news is going to be ‘interesting’ to say the least. Speaking of fam, looks like I’ll be in the war zone I call home for both the holidays this year. My grandmother has fallen ill so a lot of my fam will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas is G-Mommy’s and the boy’s holiday together so I have to get him back up home for that. Pray for me…lol I think that’s all… at least at 4:35pm on Friday anyway. That is subject to change minute by minute…lol